Nightmares on stage

I spoke in front of hundreds of people last night. Well, it started as hundreds of people before they all started walking out. It started great. I had the attention of the room. I made them laugh. And, lemme just say it, I looked good. Outfit was a win, hair was on point & that all just added to my confidence. Then my mind went blank. I got out my laptop and my notes were not there. People started to leave. I rambled about Elijah & Jezebel as I frantically tried searching for other versions of my notes, past outlines, something that would jog my memory. But nothing was coming. My mind had completely emptied out and I had zero notes of any kind to help me remember what I was supposed to say. More people were walking out and those that remained were disengaged, some of them even on their phones, streaming football drafts. Not only did I embarrass my pastor, who gave me the opportunity to speak on a Sunday morning, but I ruined my chances of ever getting to speak again. It was a complete disaster.

Did you realize that yesterday wasn’t Sunday? Yeah, me too, once I finally woke up. So if that was just a dream, why do I still feel like I want to puke?

Oh right. Because I am speaking on stage on a Sunday morning. soon. And in an effort to change my preparation routine, I’m all the more nervous.

I’ve spoken on stages before but not generally for more than 10-15 minutes. It’s relatively easy to memorize the majority of what you’re going to say for that amount of time so that’s always been my prep steps: write it out, read it out, record myself, listen on repeat. Edit & start again until it’s internalized. But as I’ve been researching (yes! actually researching!) for this talk, God is teaching me about the release of control. Which isn’t really fair since that’s not what my talk is even about this time, GOD!

I’m in the in-between of control & faith. Controlling what I want to happen and trusting God to make it happen. Controlling my own success with preparation, memorization and capability versus trusting God that He’ll bring out whatever message He has inside of me. My one prayer for speaking has always been that I will not get in my own way so that the words will reach people regardless of whatever my humanness does. But what I really need to pray is to not get in God’s way. And He’s showing me that it starts before I even choose my outfit, which we all know happens in plenty of advance. Memorization is not internalization. It’s just a way for me to control my words, and that doesn’t actually allow for interjection of the Holy Spirit.

You know those blow-up races at a carnival? It’s like a bouncy house but with 2 lanes. You put on a harness and run as fast as you can while being pulled back by a bungee. It lets you go a certain distance, farther if you run hard & fast, but there is always a point where you get yanked backwards. Can anyone relate to this? It is such a weird tension to want to run toward greatness for the Lord who is saying “You only have to be still.” Before we can look at control, we have to determine whether or not it’s even okay to strive after things we want. Is it ok to have goals and go after them as a Christian who is supposed to live her life for God? To have desires as a “ministry person” that aren’t 100% spiritual?

I think, yes. And I think the difference lies in control.

God gives us our desires and He gives us our talents. When what we’re good at collides with what sets our souls on fire, that’s a dynamic combination. And God has been showing me that it’s okay to go after things, it’s okay to want things. Even for myself. Even if they aren’t 100% spiritual 100% of the time. If He gave me the desire to speak and teach, if He gave me the skills(-ish) to speak and teach, then why would I not run full speed ahead after it? He wants me to. But running and controlling are not the same. Going after it and dictating what every step will look like are not the same.

Lara Casey, who has made her living in planning, was on Jess Connolly’s podcast, Go & Tell Gals, and they had a conversation about setting goals as a Christian. Here was their checklist:

Does it bring God glory?
Does it serve other people?

That’s it. What’s the why behind your goal? If you check in with God and have peace about your desire, it doesn’t matter if it’s 100% spiritual. If the why behind what you want will bring God glory and/or serve other people, if you don’t have unrest in your soul when you pray about it, if God has given you what you need to make it happen, don’t worry so much about the how. Eat the elephant one bite at a time and live in joy, expecting that it will happen even if you don't have a 27 step plan of attack. Don’t let who you want to be be a fantasy that you chase but never reach because the path from here to there isn’t clearly laid out. Just wanting something isn't going to make it happen. Go through the hard work of making it happen. The change that is required to become your ideal self. The transformation of becoming her. Make it happen and fulfill your potential. God is not pulling you back from that.

Have a goal but give up control as you go for it. I know. This is a muddled, confusing mess. Controlling this talk would look like memorizing every word and delivering it like a speech. Ensuring that I never have a moment of pause, that I practice my jokes so the timing is right and going from point to point with impeccable transitions while staying within a time parameter. Releasing control for this talk looks like internalizing the message and having the concept really well developed in my soul without memorizing the exact order and sequence of each word and sentence. Having an outline for reference and knowing my key points but keeping an open mind for whatever God brings up in the moment, for whatever someone needs to hear Him say through me. Allowing space for God to change my plan so His message can touch people’s hearts in moments that can only be divinely God-inspired. I know that this is the next step in becoming a better speaker and leader. I know this is what God has been teaching me as I prepare for this talk. I know this is how to grow toward a goal without having control of how I get there.

I know it’s a lot easier said than done because it also scares the junk of out of me, as was evidenced by my unconscious brain last night.

If I truly believe that God has called me to this, I want to trust Him. And getting out of His way means not controlling every step. Instead of relying on my own strength, instead of relying on knowledge, experience or capability, what would it look like for my faith to actually be faith?

“For the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what needs to be said.”
-Luke 12:12

Letting go means relying instead on God’s power and trusting that He will give me the words in the moment.

But I will still save my outline in 45 different places.
You know, just in case my dreams are prophetic.