But God.
What do you do after a win? Celebrate by eating & drinking all the best things? Relax and sleep to make up for the focused time and energy you’ve put in? Cry from the release of the buildup? Can you give an acceptance speech when you didn’t win an award? Can you write a love letter to your fans when you don’t technically have any?
I taught at Mosaic Church for the first time yesterday and it was THE. BEST. DAY. There’s something to be said about preparation and (maybe a little) skill or talent but God showed up and moved in a way that I hadn’t experienced before. It wasn’t an overwhelming presence or an emotional overcoming, both of which I highly recommend you ask God to give you in experience, but it was a calm confidence that could’ve only been from the Lord.
Last week was bananas. Marlee started kindergarten and I was an emotional mess. I cried on and off the entire first day she was gone, which I was not expecting since I lived in my own kindergarten classroom for 12 years, reassuring parents that their babies would be more than great for 12 first days of school. But dang if it wasn’t different on the parent side. The beginning of school brought open house, plus a drop in for Margot’s preschool as well as an open house there. We had an extra event at work which meant additional hours preparing, being away from home & another long night. Because it led up to a holiday weekend, we also had wristband night at the carnival and the parade Saturday morning. Oh right, and somewhere in my free time I was supposed to prepare for this talk. It’s no wonder my nervous stomach lived in the bathroom for a few days.
Because this was a big deal, I wanted to be prepared. Even though I was trusting God to show up & give me the words, I knew I had to put the work in. Because I’d never done this before, I knew I needed to practice. I wanted to go in knowing that I had done everything I could in advance to be ready so that if it failed, if I bombed, if my nightmare came true and people started to get up and leave, that I could be certain it wasn’t for my lack of effort. That it wasn't because I didn’t give the opportunity the respect it deserved. That if it didn’t work, it just wasn’t meant to be.
I spent a lot of time in God’s word last week, not rereading the passages I was teaching on, but asking God to remind me who I am. Who He is. Who He made me to be and how He made me to be so I could fight all of the voices in my head. I’ve lived with them long enough to know who would show up: insecurity, doubt & fear. Insecurity would tell me I wasn’t good enough for this. Doubt would bring in “Who do you think you are?” and tell me I wasn't qualified to “preach.” Fear would fill in any of the spaces that were left. But God. Won’t He do it? I woke up on Saturday calm and in a peace that carried me through the day. Not because the day was perfectly peaceful - I guarantee you that the enemy was also there because Saturday was a mess - but I was able to stay calm instead of being reactive. And if you’ve ever said “Why doesn’t God do miracles anymore?” then you come follow me around for a day. Because I promise you, me not being emotional and reactive was nothing short of an act of God.
Moses said to the Lord “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes the deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go. I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”
Exodus 4:10-12
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9
By His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of His glory and excellence, He has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.
2 Peter 1:3-4
These are the verses that just so happened to pop up in my journals & reading last week. Mm-hmm. I see you, God. Nicely played. I asked Him to speak through me. I asked Him to remind me who I was. And He answered. My prayer the entire week was that I would not get in my own way. That I would not get in His way. And He gave me a calm confidence that allowed me to do just that. On my own, I would’ve been a nervous, rambling mess who went off on distracted tangents and made jokes that weren’t funny. With God speaking through me, I was able to deliver His message clearly, calmly & confidently. What are you asking Him for? Do you truly believe that He will do it? Are you completely giving up control and trusting Him to do it? Because if you’re still secretly holding on with one hand, you’re still holding on. And God’s kind of everywhere. He can see you. He isn’t going to pressure you to release it to Him, but He might be waiting for you to let go and trust Him.
Yesterday was the best day and I am so honored that God let me be part of it. I am so grateful for the people who showed up. I saw you there. I saw your faces, nodding and smiling and laughing at my jokes. I saw you taking notes, sitting in your discomfort when God moved in your spirit and said “That was for you.” I saw your tears and your worship as you met Jesus in that place and let Him reintroduce Himself to you. I saw you. God saw you. I’m so proud of you for stepping out and showing up.
Now this is the part where I will stand in my office with my ice roller and pretend it’s an award so I can try to thank all of the people who completely rocked my world with love yesterday. Is a love hangover a thing? Because I’m in it. There’s no way I can do justice to how much your support meant to me, but I’ll try.
Peter, my loving husband. I started the week with an apology that I was about to check-out of my regular duties and be selfish with my time. With all of the extra things that went on last week, I didn’t get to carve out preparation time like I’d planned but you jumped in and took on the extra anyway. Thank you for being a phenomenal father and supportive husband. So much of your support is in the background, taking care of the house, remembering to buy groceries, putting the kids to bed alone, giving me space to process and study and prepare. It isn’t glamorous but I see you and I am so grateful. I would not be able to do what I do without you.
Pastor Naeem & Ashley, I said it yesterday and I mean it everyday, I am so grateful for your leadership at Mosaic. I am honored to be on your staff and will forever be grateful that your team took over my apartment building in 2005. Who would’ve known it would be such a life changing move? Your prayers for me, the way you model loving people, how you continue to reintroduce me to Jesus in new ways…I would be a different person without the two of you. Thank you for pushing me and believing in me and refusing to let me stay the same. I give you credit for making me a better person and you deserve a standing ovation for not giving up on me, even when I don't make it easy.
Carlee, my self-declared biggest fan. Thank you for showing up in all of your dance mom glory. PSL & bag of tricks in hand. You sat in the front row for both services and I don’t think you even got up to go to the bathroom until the entire morning was over. You had bandaids and tylenol and anything I would have needed to face whatever dared to show up and get in the way. You constantly remind me that I am the girl for the job and your friendship helps me believe that it’s true.
Kim, thank you for praying for me in a gas station parking lot. You encourage me as a communicator and call out and call up the potential you see inside of me. Thank you for thinking of all of the things that could trip me up and bringing that magic speaking water of life. It seem that I’ve stirred up some thoughts and emotions so your office may be extra full this week. I’m honored to partner with you in bringing our church family to health.
Metro fam, YOU. SHOWED. UP! I was nervous to cancel our campus for the weekend. I was afraid you wouldn't drive up North. I was worried you’d forget or somehow not know and show up at Metro anyway to find an empty building and the enemy would swoop in to tell you that you were unnoticed and unimportant and alone. But you came and it made my heart so happy. I’m pretty sure I jumped, clapped, squealed or did some combination of the three every time I saw one of you enter the building. You’re all my favorite. I love our community and that there’s always room for more people at the table.
All of the texts, emojis, GIFs, social media tags & pictures. HOLY MOLY. Y’all spoke my love language and I’m gonna go back and read them all again. The support I felt from those of you who weren’t in the building - who weren’t even in the city! - was incredible. God used YOU to show me how much He loves me. Thank you for listening to His nudging. It means more than you think it does.
To everyone who grabbed me after service, thank you for your vulnerability. That is one hundred percent the best part of sharing God’s message - that I get to see how you receive it and how He works in your hearts. Thank you for sharing your stories and opening up about the things you’ve kept hidden. Thank you for your real and raw emotions. I will hold them with the most tender hands as I ask God to continue the revelations He began in you yesterday.
Here’s the absolute best news. Today is Monday. Which means only 6 more days until we get to do it again.
Let’s. Go.
