The Face of Disorder

Last week I was on the Hear Voices podcast, talking about something that I’ve never spoken on publicly. I’ve hardly even mentioned it in private. I found myself in a really bad mental space but because I was able to recognize it and because I have friends I can trust to not judge me, I knew it was safe to ask for help. So I did. Which led me to read the book When Food is Love by Geneen Roth. And then I found myself talking about my most secret struggle in a microphone.

Within the first few pages I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I was yelling “You don’t know me, GENEEN!” at this author who had clearly been reading my mail. See, I had asked my friend, Kim, for a book on food relationships. I don’t have an eating disorder but I was in such a place of self-loathing because I could not seem to get any control over what I was putting in my mouth and I wanted a resource that would tell me how to stop eating when I wasn’t hungry. But instead of giving me some Instaworthy epiphany like “Don’t eat when you’re not hungry,” (genius) Geneen got all up in my business with statements like “Compulsion is despair on the emotional level. The substances we become compulsive about are those that we believe capable of taking our despair away.” and “Compulsive behavior at it’s most fundamental is a lack of self-love. It’s an expression of a belief that we are not good enough.“

Well I guess it’s time for me to find a new therapist because clearly mine is sharing all of my intimate struggles with GE-NEEN. What I thought was going to be a book about food and eating and ONLY THAT turned into yet another tool for me to look at myself, my struggle with emotional intimacy and the fact that striving is so ingrained in me that I’m constantly doing things - even subconsciously - to make people love me because I don’t really believe deep down that they will if I don’t perform.

((DANG! How’s that for #realtalk? It doesn't get much more personal than that, friends.))

I’ve been working on emotional intimacy for the last year. And although my mind always goes to “the bedroom” when I hear the word intimacy, that’s not what I’m talking about. Intimacy is hard for me in all relationships. With my husband. With my family. With friends. With coworkers. It’s about being known and letting people know you. I have done so. much. work. on this over the last year. I’ve torn down walls, stripped back layers, delved deeper into knowing myself so I can show up and let other people know me, too. And it definitely starts with knowing myself because how can I reveal my real self to others when I don't even know who it is way down in the dark corners of my soul? Enter therapists: they’ll help you figure it out. And when you think you have figured it out and you’re metaphorically standing there naked with nothing left to give they’ll say “Good. Now we’re getting started.” Sounds fun, doesn’t it?

I’m a compulsive eater. This is something I haven’t even talked about in therapy because I figured it was just due to a severe lack of self-control. It only happens a few times a year so I didn’t consider it an eating disorder. Or even a problem I needed help with. It was manageable & sporadic. But it’s not a normal relationship with food. Standing in the kitchen, shoveling in 6 month old Halloween candy that I don’t even like isn't healthy. Scooping a package of stale leftover s’mores graham crackers into the Nutella jar isn’t healthy. Getting up off the couch three or four times to eat WHATEVER because I can’t make the craving go away isn’t healthy. And I don’t even mean healthy as far as my physical body is concerned. I’m a big believer of everything in moderation. I hate diets. I eat chocolate & carbs & drink my calories when I want to because restriction isn’t living. This isn't about physical appearance or body image. It’s about feeling so out of control that I will try again and again and again with whatever I can find to make that “craving” go away. AND IT DOESN’T. Because it isn’t a food craving I can quench. It’s a feeling of something missing. And I’m not doing it in moderation. I’m eating until I’m sick.

When I think about the times I’ve tried to talk about this - maybe once or twice ever - I can still feel how hard the eye rolls were. “Oh please. You look amazing. It can’t possibly be that bad. Give yourself grace. You eat so healthy, one off day is not going to hurt you. You work out, you can eat whatever you want.” Our society looks at people and decides what is an acceptable issue for them. I’m not visually overweight or underweight so I fall in the middle (with most people) of someone who “isn’t allowed” to have an issue with food. Because it doesn’t “look” like I do. So the conclusion is that it can’t really be that bad. Hey ladies, let’s not do that to each other. Let’s be a safe space for people to risk talking about their challenges and not minimize anything they are brave enough to tell us. Because when we make people feel shame, feel wrong or feel stupid for what they’re feeling, all we’re doing is telling them to keep it to themselves. And no one can heal when they feel like they’re alone. That’s the enemy - he is the one who wants us to feel like we’re the only ones in the world with our specific struggle. So we can stay isolated and in despair and silent. Do not believe the lie that you are the only one in this struggle.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.
1 Corinthians 10:13

You are not the only one. Admitting our struggles is the bravest thing we can do. Verbally calling out whatever is trapping us inside of ourselves takes away it’s power. loneliness, depression, anger, jealousy, insecurity, unworthiness, pride, shame, thoughts of self-harm, whatever it is - call it out. Say it out loud right now where you sit. The second half of this verse gets thrown around too often like a bandaid but it’s true:

God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.
1 Corinthians 10:13

It feels like more than you can handle. I hear you. Giving up & wanting to quit are not foreign concepts to me. There is always a way out and you are stronger than you think. And when you aren’t - God is. Maybe finding the way out is just taking one step forward toward admission. Admit it to yourself. Then tell a friend you trust. And wait for the relief that comes when you hear the “Me too” or “I can relate.” Because there is someone who understands whatever it is. Someone who has walked your path and can look back and say, “I’ve come through that.” If you’re really lucky, they’ll reach out their hand and walk with you through the pain toward healing. That may be a friend, a mentor or a pastor. Or you may need it to be a therapist. I have 2 therapists because I wanted to be FIXED. And feel zero shame about it. Asking for help isn’t admission of failure. It’s being strong enough to realize when you can’t rely on your own strength, regardless of how brilliant you are. On the flip side, when someone gives you the gift of entrusting their true self to you, hold them close. Don’t share their sins or struggles with other people. Don’t try to give advice or tell them what to do. Pray with them & be there. That is all you need to do.

I’m not going to give you all of the points on compulsive eating and how to stop it. When Food is Love is a very short book. I listened to the entire thing on Audible in one day and I recommend it to anyone who has any type of food struggle. But I will hit on a few points because I’m a big fan of takeaways. She points out that our compulsions are behaviors based on feelings. And compulsions can be various things we pursue: long distance relationships, affairs, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, unhealthy relationships, anything we’re chasing. It just happens to be food for me. So what’s the feeling you’re trying to make disappear? That’s what you have to look internally to determine.

It could be intimacy. We eat to fill a void for the love we don’t think we receive or deserve. We tell ourselves that we aren’t loved or appreciated by other people and therefore, we take control of our own happiness. We lower our expectations and stop asking for what we need because not asking is far easier than asking and still not receiving it. So we eat to feel the love that we’re lacking.

It could be emotional management. By having a compulsive behavior, we essentially have a scapegoat on which to put all of our feelings. Instead of admitting that we’re disappointed by relationships, angry about work or sad about how we see ourselves, we can put all of those emotions into the fact that we messed up. “I’m upset that I didn’t have self-control and compulsively ate” provides a concrete reason to explain our pain while ignoring all of our real feelings in a legit, unhealthy, denial: “I don’t want to face those feelings, so I’ll just be mad about this behavior.”

It could be a cry for attention. Sometimes our compulsions are accidental cries for help. By creating drama, we force people to see us when we feel overlooked or unvalued. A common coping mechanism for children is to act out when they need something because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Adults do the same thing. Sometimes we make relationships harder than they need to be as self-preservation. “If I keep you out first, then you won’t have the opportunity to get close and hurt me”. Seemingly difficult behaviors (lying, being sick, being unhappy, creating drama) are ways of creating urgency to be seen. Because the underlying belief is that without drama, we would simply be ourselves & that isn’t enough for other people.

It could be a fantasy that there is something better. Pursuing things (even the bottom of a gallon of ice cream), is the belief that there is something perfect that will make all of the anguish go away. Often, it’s something “forbidden” that we don’t allow ourselves to do as we follow the rules & do all of the right things in our normal life. Binge eating, sleeping around, getting drunk, drugs, chasing fame, they’re all fantasies that say "The past might have been awful. But this will take the pain away.” It’s the perfect distraction because it prevents us from living in the moment and facing our realities as we run after something. We just ignore the fact that we will never truly arrive because the chase of the ideal is the fantasy itself.

This is some vulnerable ish right here. It’s not something we talk about. It’s hard to read and even harder to recognize in ourselves. But I encourage you to do the deep dive. Get quiet. Get a journal & a pen. Probably get some tissues. As I write these words I am teary eyed in Starbucks praying that you would be brave enough to look inside yourself and identify what it is you’re hiding from and what behavior you’re using to pretend it isn’t there. It might not be related to food at all. But I encourage you to read the book. It is full of knowledge, experience and truth on not just compulsive eating but all kinds of unhealthy choices we make.

If you want to hear my discussion on other aspects of the book that I didn’t mention here, check out the 30 minute podcast, Hear Voices episode 38. I’ve also linked it on my videos page. This can be a really tricky topic to talk about so if you have questions or you’re unsure of something I said, reach out. I’m more than happy to dialogue with you about it. In the meantime, I’m praying that God would speak to you & you’d be brave enough to hear him & ask for help. Together, as we are courageous enough to share what’s real, we can end the stigma of disorder and stop pretending that we have it all together.