Soul Frenemies
Sometimes people are hard to love. Because they’re people. Because we don’t understand them and make assumptions about their lives. Because they trigger us to certain emotions or negative thoughts from a hurtful situation that was so wounding we’re thrown back into the pain at the sight of them or the mention of their name. Sometimes it’s because we see things in them that we don’t like about ourselves. Or because the opposite is true and they are who we think we should be or want to be or deserve to be. Because they have the body that we want or the husband that we want or the kids that we want. They have the career or the influence or the platform that we are convinced is meant for us.
I used to do this to other women at the gym. I’d be running on the treadmill or in a group fitness class and would make up narratives about their lives. The cuter their workout clothes, the better their job & the more money I assumed they had. Crisp ponytails & fresh makeup meant they had zero stress in life because everything obviously came easy to them. The more fit they were, the more perfect I assumed their lives were.
And then, because I don't do anything half-you-know-what, my competition would kick into gear. Oh, you’re not modifying that move? Me neither. You’re taking a break? I’m amping it up. I would compete with women I’d never know outside of these 60 minute sweat sessions but leave class either feeling like I’d won or I’d lost. My mood was high if I had been better and defeated if I felt like I’d done less.
Like a competitive psycho.
But whether it’s at the gym, on Instagram, in your mom group or in your relationships, I’m guessing you do it, too. Generally I can say that I work hard to not judge people. I give grace. I believe the best about people. I try to be understanding & forgiving, realizing that I don’t know people’s stories, what has happened in their day or what demons they may be facing. But. There’s still that one trigger. Is it the woman who’s prettier? More successful? Has the perfect little family? You know the one I’m talking about. She’s your frenemy.
You know frenemies, right? Watch any show on the WB and you’ll see it. Gossip Girl, 90210, The OC, One Tree Hill. They all have characters and plot lines that thrive on messed up relationships. People who are smiley and kind in public but deceive and betray each other when no one is looking. People who vow to have each other’s backs until the other person gets something that they want. These are frenemies. They’re attractive & appealing. They draw you in and make you trust them. They let you in their circle until they decide to ice you out. They let you sit at their table until they decide the seats are all taken. Frenemies are friendly to the outside world but the foundation of their relationship is ultimately rivalry.
The frenemy of our souls shows up differently for all of us but she always has the same name:
Jealousy.
When she gets that thing we want or think we deserve. The thing we’ve worked hard for but haven’t gotten. The thing we feel entitled to or was promised to us. The thing we’ve always held the title of for “Best” or “Most ______” and then someone shows up who does it better or has it more than we do. It’s all jealousy. Envy of that one thing. Like any good mean girl, Jealousy doesn’t travel alone, either. She always brings her backup frenemy:
Insecurity.
Insecurity is the feeling of lack. Lack of confidence. Lack of freedom. Lack of safety. Lack of acceptance. Lack of approval. Lack of certainty. When we feel the threat of lack - whether it’s something we recognize we are currently missing or are afraid will be taken from us - we act out in self-protection. And the behavior that often follows is jealousy. We distract ourselves from seeing the person that makes us feel less than. We distance ourselves from the person who has what we think we need or should have. Even worse, we demean them in an effort to make ourselves feel better.
Do you see the common thread of jealousy, regardless of how it manifests? It’s detachment. From our real, root feelings. From the lies we’re believing as truth. From other people. Jealousy is the ultimate relationship blocker.
I’m not saying that I’d haven been besties with all of the women in my gym if only I’d been self-aware enough to know that I was jealous of them. We don’t have the capacity or time to foster healthy relationships with every person that crosses our path. But did I miss out on a lifelong friend? Someone I actually have a lot in common with? Someone God wanted to speak to through me? I will never know. And that’s what makes me sad. Not knowing what would’ve been there is the consequence of detachment.
So what do we do about it? It’s a multi-step process of training our minds to think differently.
Admit it. If we aren’t self-aware enough to recognize our own feelings, we can do nothing with them. We have to catch ourselves in the negative thoughts or uncomfortable feelings. Pretending they aren’t there can take many forms: pushing them down & moving forward, minimizing our feelings because “it’s not as bad as ____,”distracting ourselves by turning our focus to something else. These are all different versions of running from our feelings. If you want to change your emotional reaction, you have to first recognize & admit that you’re having one.
Call it out. What is the underlying feeling? What is the threat? If you’re afraid of losing a friend to someone else, is it really that you’re terrified of being rejected? If you’re afraid of someone knowing all of your junk, is it because you’re afraid they won’t accept you if they know who you really are? If you’re afraid of failing, is it because your identity is so tied to success that your worth only comes if you’re “winning”? If you can dig down underneath the jealousy & into the real ickiness of the feeling, there’s something else in there. A fear or lie your believing. Don't be scared of finding out what’s at the root. Speak it out & take away it’s power.
Fight it. If it’s a lie you’re believing, find God’s truth and remind yourself of what’s real. Research the promises of God to combat the lies that bring up all the ick inside. Here’s a few examples. If these don’t speak to your soul, a quick google search will give you many more options:
When you feel like you can’t forgive yourself or others, remember God’s grace:
God saved you by his grace when you believed.
And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.
Salvation is not a reward for the things we have done
so none of us can boast about it.
-Ephesians 2:8-9, NLT
When you can’t escape guilt from your past or your patterns, remember God’s freedom:
Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant,
overlooking the sins of his special people?
You will not stay angry with your people forever
because you delight in showing unfailing love.
Once again you will have compassion on us.
You will trample our sins under your feet &
throw them into the depths of the ocean!
-Micah 7:18-19, NLT
When you’re trapped in the minutiae of the every day, remember God’s perspective:
Let us strip off every weight that slows us down,
especially the sin that so easily trips us up.
And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us
by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates & perfects our faith.
-Hebrews 12:1-2, NLT
When you feel unseen, remember that you can’t escape the intimacy of God:
You are the God who sees me.
Genesis 16:13, NLT
When you’re longing for more from your relationships, remember God’s friendship:
I will ask the father and he will give you another advocate who will never leave you.
He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth.
The world cannot receive him because it isn't looking for him & doesn't recognize him.
But you know him because he lives with you & will be in you.
I will not abandon you as orphans, I will come to you.
John 14: 16-18, NLT
Face it head on. This is my favorite, yet hardest way to combat jealousy. Right after publishing this site, I was stopped in church on a Sunday morning by someone I didn’t know but had seen once a few days earlier at another event. “Hi, I don’t think I’ve met you, I’m Kristin” I said with my best Sunday Morning greeter smile. She said “I know. And I have words for you.” And then she walked away.
One-way ticket to Insecurity city, please! I had no idea what was coming but I felt the dread immediately. She thinks I’m a phony. She knows I’m not good enough. What was I thinking? This whole blog is stupid. She said she would send me a Facebook message and I couldn’t wait until I got home, refreshing my messages randomly until it popped up.
With Jess’ permission, here are the words she had for me:
I wanted so badly to hate you. One look at you, the sound of your voice, and all of my insecurities come flooding back. You embody the girl I’ve always felt I was “supposed to be”. Girly and peppy and perfect. Charming and beautiful. The IT girl I’ve spent my entire life angry at God that He didn’t make me.
I’ve always felt like I was made “wrong”. Not girly, but eclectic. Not peppy but pensive. Not charming but deep, brooding and hard to get to know. The girl that the popular girls excluded. The girl that the popular boys thought was odd. I have always been very empathetic. Drawn to others and eager to ease their pain - but never the pretty girl.
Don’t give me the sob stories of the mistreated model or struggling beauty queen. Please, spare me. Life comes easy for the beautiful. At least that was the deception I clung to in desperation to mask my own pain. It was never you, or them I hated. It was me and it was God. You, they, reminded me of the things that I wished I was, and imprisoned the parts of me that I thought were all wrong.
I’ve been on a journey of freedom for the past year or so, and reading your blog removed another link the chain keeping me bound. And right now, of behalf of all the girls like me who hated you because they hated themselves - I am so so sorry. While I would have never actively hurt you because I’d have never run in the same circle, I’d have silently judged you from my own pit of shame. Thank you for your beautiful vulnerability and for boldly embodying what beauty truly is. I love you, my sister. And am honored to count you a new friend.
I was speechless. What I was sure were going to be words that fed my insecurity and validated all of my negative self-talk were actually words of encouragement. Of bravery. Of self-realization so strong that they not only said “I recognize this within myself” but very courageously went to the next level of “I will determine what wins the battle of my thoughts and change the narrative.”
This. This is fighting insecurity head on. This is telling jealousy where it can go. This is sitting in your uncomfortable feelings without giving them an inch of jurisdiction in your mind. Compliment someone. To their face or behind their back. Speak life into them or about them. Encourage the ones you are initially intimated by and draw near when everything in you says to retreat. When we risk getting to know the people who trigger us instead of fighting to keep them at arms length, genuine growth happens. Both within the relationship and in the breaking of chains in our own souls.
Jess’ words for me permeated my heart. Not because she was supportive or apologetic. She could have done this work on her own without me ever knowing and that would have been enough. She could have smiled on Sundays while secretly thinking other things. We could have gone for years knowing each other’s faces but never having a real connection. We could have very easily been frenemies. But by sharing her struggle with me, she showed up in her own life. I am so proud of her for being real and true and brave. Those were some harsh realities to face and even harder words to admit out loud but the action step of laying the smack down on her insecurity was a major step in training her brain to catch it and move past it the next time.
This is how we refuse to let jealousy & insecurity include us in their mean girl tribe.
Sorry, No. You can’t sit with us.
