birthday reflections

For the past few years, I have not enjoyed my birthday.

Yes, there were moments of celebration and fun and I don’t want to take away from those.

But the overall sense of another year made me sad. Looking back and reflecting, I could only see the people who weren’t there anymore. I didn’t want to celebrate or have a party because I felt the absence of the names NOT included on the guest list.

This is one of the casualties of ministry that I didn’t expect.

I know it’s hard to leave your church. It’s hard to leave your community. It’s hard to find a new place to start over with new people.

As the pastor, it’s hard for me, too. (like really hard. probably harder than I should admit.)

When people leave a church and you’re connected to it, they ultimately leave you, too. Some are healthier than others, some are cleaner breaks than others, some people stay connected so the loss isn’t so definitive. But it changes things either way. I’ve written multiple times about seasons of relationships and I (no longer) fault people when they leave. (My apologies for those of you who have ever felt disappointment or push back from me upon your leaving. It was the rookie leader emotion coming out of me that I have since learned to keep in check.)

Still, this has been one of my greatest challenges in ministry: to not give up in loving people when I feel - even unintentionally - hurt along the way.

For whatever reason, for the last few years, my birthday has kicked it all up in me. The loss of relationships, the sense of rejection, the reflection of failure that I pointed back at myself. It’s a complex web of layers that is deeper and more connected than I like to acknowledge.

This year, I can’t really explain it, but I know that I am loved. Even if people continue to come and go - because they will and it’s okay - I am settling into the confident comfort of knowing that I am loved by God in a way that no human could ever possibly offer. I am loved in a way that my mind doesn’t even understand because we are incapable of loving the way He does - without…

If you feel left out, unseen or loved only when you earn it, can I try to explain the love of this father? It doesn’t make sense and yet it’s the most comfortable feeling you’ve ever known.

You are already loved by him, like this, just as you are.