Is this the best we can do?

The other day I had the opportunity to talk to Jo Saxton on the podcast. (This is not so much a name-drop as it is a reminder to myself that this actually happened in real life.) We talked about developing our gifts past our “American Idol” callings, the fears and insecurities that hold us back and why leadership often feels like it comes as the sacrifice of relationship. If any of those twinge your heart, I encourage you to go listen to our entire conversation on the Naeem Fazal podcast. Today though, I want to sit in one thought that has been sitting with me.

You are worth more than a five minute conversation in the bathroom.

In explaining her heart behind the creation of Ezer Collective, the leadership intensive she provides for women, Jo said it hit her one day. As she was approached by yet another woman in the bathroom between sessions at a conference to answer a quick question about leadership, she decided we deserve better than this.

“You are worth more than a five minute chat in the bathroom. It’s a bummer when you’re having these conversations and other women are joining in, not because they’re trying to be nosey, but because this is their chance to get mentored - when we’re all in a bathroom break. This is the best we can do? This is not enough.”

Changing the opportunities we have starts with people like Jo who have the vision to create spaces and places for us to come together to learn from each other - in heterogeneous groups of people who are not like us and don’t think like us - to give our gifts and skills and talents what they need to grow.

But it also takes humility and thinking of ourselves less.

Now read that again. I didn’t say “thinking less of ourselves.” This is one of those tiny details that make grammar and word choice so fun. Thinking less of ourselves means we put ourselves down, diminish and shrink our personalities or believe that we don’t live up to the standards or ideals other people have created. That’s not it at all. But thinking of ourselves less, that creates room for other people to also live. It squashes competition because it stops casting the other as a threat.

For some weird reason, I find comfort in knowing this is not a new problem.

When Mary was pregnant with Jesus, her cousin Elizabeth was also pregnant was John. He was born first, referred to as John the Baptist and went ahead of Jesus to tell people that he was coming. Some stuff happened and the Pharisees, the religious leaders of the time, kept hearing more and more about this guy named Jesus who didn’t do things according to their practices.

At one point, John was baptizing people in the Judean countryside, as he typically did, and Jesus and his disciples went to the other side of the water, also baptizing people. One of John’s disciples - which literally just means followers - came to him upset:

“Rabbi, the man you met on the other side of the Jordan River, the one you identified as the Messiah, is also baptizing people. And everybody is going to him instead of coming to us.”
-John 3:26

Did you catch that? Everyone is going to him instead of coming to us. Instead of us. Scarcity mindset. If people choose him instead of us, we’ll lose all of it. All that we’ve gained - our status, our credibility, our influence, our actual work - will go to them instead.

And what does John say? Preach louder so people know we’re here? Baptize quicker to up our numbers? Send some of our people over there to draw them back to us? Nope.

“Therefore, I am filled with joy at his success. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.”
-John 3:30

I am filled with joy at his success. More of Jesus, less of me. Because it’s not about any of us as individuals but true success is what we can do together, running in the same direction, all doing the work of ministry and paving the way for people to get to Him, to make Him known.

I am filled with joy at his success.

When is the last time you were able to say that about another woman? Not the girl in your small group whose life is completely different than yours. Not the woman in your acquaintance group who is working within a completely different realm than yours. But someone the enemy wants you to think is a threat. The one who is finding success in the areas you want to succeed, whatever the metrics are for you. The one who is getting married or is newly pregnant when these are the very things you keep asking God for. The one who seems to find success wherever she goes, in whatever she does, with seemingly no effort at all. The one who is doing the exact same thing you’re doing, on the other side of the river, who people are leaving you to follow. Can you say “I am filled with joy at her success?”

I know. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I sit here chuckling because it I know it’s harder than reading these words on a screen make it seem. I’m with you. But realizing we’re doing it is how we start to think of ourselves less.

Oh, and by the way, the story isn’t over. Even though John was able to redirect people back to Jesus, there were other pot-stirrers lurking. Spoiler alert: there always are. The Pharisees heard Jesus was getting more followers and baptizing more people. 

“Jesus knew the Pharisees had heard that he was baptizing and making more disciples than John (though Jesus himself didn’t baptize them—his disciples did). So he left Judea and returned to Galilee.”
-John 4:1-3

They weren’t there but they heard it. What’s that called again when we hear reports about other people, without confirmed details, and let it write our narratives? Oh right, by definition, gossip.

There will always be other voices trying to turn you against someone else. And the thing about the Pharisees that’s easy for us to forget is that they thought they were right. They thought they were following the right steps. Because they had their rules and laws and hierarchy and systems and they lived to uphold all of it. Which often meant missing the relationship and the humanness of the people they were trying to control.

Go back to verse 2 - Jesus wasn’t even doing it. But the Pharisees heard that he was and that was all they needed to turn it into a competition. Jesus had more than John. That was the message that travelled through the people. That was the narrative that reached those who weren’t there to see it. There’s a ranking, a score, a rivalry trying to be introduced into this relationship not only between Jesus and John but also the people who followed them.

Some of our strongest rivalries have no merit. They are based on things we’ve heard or been told or allowed ourselves to believe even while there are no confirmed details. We find ourselves on one side of a division without really knowing what caused the division, only that we are over here and “they” are over there and somehow it’s our job to help keep the barrier between us.

Maybe it’s the church up the road. You’re not sure why you’re not supposed to like them, but you’ve picked it up in little jabs and comments you’ve heard here and there. Maybe it’s the woman you work with. You’ve heard she’s just gotten lucky or she has a relationship with someone in the company or her family has money so you assume those are the reasons for her success or status. Maybe it’s someone you secretly compete with online, comparing post likes and follower counts. You saw a bigger name collab with them once so you’ve told yourself they were just plucked out and into the world they live in without any work or struggle on their own. But if you stop and think about it, you really have no idea about their lives or efforts before you happened upon their book or podcast or feed one day. You really have no idea who they are at all.

What are you hearing? How is it effecting you? What are you letting yourself believe because of something you’ve heard? And who is saying it? Is it someone who will benefit from your fear? Is it someone who will benefit from your alliance? Is it someone who has something to gain if you fall into believing a lie about someone else? We have to pay attention to not only the things we are hearing but also the people who are saying it.

A few more questions for us to genuinely ponder and think through: Where have we let competition or rivalry get in the way of God moving in the lives of others? Where have we inserted ourselves and magnified our participation in God’s work in order to rank our importance or impact? How many people are getting distracted by the count & the metrics instead of opening our eyes to what is really important? Whatever your goal is - to help people, to bring them to Jesus, to make this world better - do your actions really point you in the direction of that original goal? Or have you accidentally focused more on the steps that you think will get you there but are instead keeping you from having that impact right now with the people around you?

You are worth more than a five minute chat in the bathroom. And so is she. And her. And him. And them. If we can think of ourselves less, we open our eyes to the humanity of the people around us. We push back on the systems that say we have to fight for bathroom conversations because we create spaces where there is more. More opportunity, more empowerment, more endorsement. Which will lead to more relationship, more fulfillment, more impact, more lives changed.

Find voices who challenge and empower you, who teach you what they’ve learned and are willing to share what they know. And as you’re looking ahead, trying to find your next seat at the table, look back. See who else is trying to sit with you and scoot over to make room.

If you have to, tear down that wall you’ve built between you and her and repurpose those materials to build her a dang seat.