be a good girlfriend

Girlfriends are hard to find. And by girlfriends I mean friends, who are girls, to other girls, looking for friends.

I get that I’m in a unique situation in that it’s my job to “care for people.” But it’s not my job to care about people, that’s just how God made me. It makes my job very hard to untangle from my personal life when people I love leave my “circle of responsibility” by choosing a new church, even when it’s a nice, clean, no hard feelings exit. But I digress into a very niche arena that most of you probably don’t understand…so back to it.

Have you ever found someone on the internet that you just immediately loved? There are a few people I follow, like Jen Todryk of The Rambling Redhead, who I absolutely adore because they are just a delight in my day. I watch Jen’s stories every night while I’m going through fifty’lven skincare steps so I really feel like I know her and her family.

But then there’s people on the interwebs you really connect to. Have you experienced this? Maybe someone who grew up like you did or who has really similar interests as you. Maybe someone whose family composition looks a lot like yours or they’re in the same season of life you’re trekking through. These are the internet friends we feel we know. For me, that was Erin Moon, and my insta-friendship dreams came true when I got to interview her for the Naeem Fazal podcast.

I found Erin through falling further and further in love with The Popcast and The Bible Binge, my absolute two favorite podcasts, where she started as the behind the scenes commentariat and resident Bible scholar who has now moved up to hosting her own shows. We have all the things in common: we grew up church kids who loved youth group and summer camp. We have the appropriate amount of appreciation for God’s creation of Zac Efron. We’re both Enneagram 3s with big feelings who can’t always name what they are but are pretty sure they’ll be solved with yelling, something to hack our crying, snacks, a cocktail and early bedtime - superficially of course. We are also both big believers of therapy, prayer and digging into the dark scary places in order to grow. I reached out to Erin through Instagram DMs and she responded. So I kept talking. And she kept responding. So I asked her to be on the podcast. And she said yes.

I was 90% excited and 10% nervous. Excited because while I knew I’d have my fangirl moment, I also felt like I was going to be picking up a conversation with an old friend who I’ve known forever. That’s where the 10% nervous came in - she doesn’t know me like I know her. Maybe she doesn’t see our similarities as more than coincidences. This could just be a networking opportunity for an hour between other ventures.

But you guys, it was so lovely. She was exactly who you would hope your best friend on the internet that you’ve never met would be. And it was a delight to talk to her. I can’t wait for you to hear our conversation. It’s deep and spiritual while being breezy and fun. The episode drops tomorrow so make sure you’re subscribed wherever you like to get the sounds for your earholes.

After the interview I was elated. I kept smiling. I was so happy, I was borderline giddy. Naeem called to see how it went and he laughed because I was so speechless and giggly and riding a high about it. He said “it’s so funny how girls do this and fangirl over each other. It’s great, I just don’t think guys are really like that.” And I realized the difference:

Traumatic female friendships. I don’t know of a single woman who hasn’t been wounded by another woman. Maybe it was the hurtful loss of a friend who was no longer. Maybe it was the cut of being on the unfortunate end of the mean girl focus. Maybe it was unmet expectations of a mother, sister or other family member. Maybe it’s been a pattern of risking, reaching out, being hurt and retreating, deciding less and less often that it’s worth the risk of being vulnerable with other ladies. Maybe it was the result of putting our identity and worth in another human being instead of rooting ourselves in the love of God whose perception of us never changes. But if you’re a female, I’m willing to bet you’ve experienced at least one, if not more, of these relationships. Some of them still stinging as fresh as the day they occurred.

The why behind this is a blog post for so many other days because there are a variety of reasons girls are so cruel to each other. But they all point to the same desire - to find a girlfriend who is true, who will hold your hurts, cheer for your dreams, keep your deepest fears safe and celebrate your wins. A girlfriend who doesn’t secretly compete either by action or appearance or thought. A girlfriend who is exactly who she appears to be without a hidden agenda. A girlfriend who isn’t using you as a placeholder or step while she waits for the next thing but who loves you for you as you are in the exact moment and season and state you are in.

Transitions will happen. It’s a part of life. Sometimes heartstrings are entwined enough to last. Other times, even the ones you thought would stand the test of time fade away due to distance, change in life or the reality of people growing apart. But the point is not to be good girlfriends only to those we can have for life. The point is not to be good girlfriends and invest in “the ones who are worth it.” If you are lucky enough to have an inner circle to last a lifetime, treasure those ladies because those friendships are rare. A few precious times I thought I had that but in time, they too were fleeting. Instead of waiting for “the right ones,” the ones who won’t hurt us, the ones who won’t leave, the ones who check all of our friendship boxes, let’s see every girlfriend as worth it and show up ready to love all of the women who cross our paths.

Let’s commit to seeing every other woman the way God sees her: imperfect but worthy of love. Let’s stop seeing other women as better than us so we stop trying to compete and live up. Let’s stop seeing other women as beneath us so we stop using them to move farther ahead. Let’s stop assuming other women have all the love they need so we stop withholding ours to even the levels between us. Let’s stop assuming other women will use our love to manipulate us and stop making them earn it by proving their worthiness.

Maybe we can change the way our daughters and the next generation of girls see each other. Maybe they will stop fangirling over each other because the secret, underlying stigma of being let down is no longer so prevalent. Maybe they will see another girl and automatically believe the best first instead of adjusting their hedge of protection based on what she looks like, how much influence she has, what her status is or how she behaves. Let’s start being good girlfriends and I bet we will find the good girlfriends we’re looking for.

You know, on second thought, I kinda hope girls never stop fangirling over each other. But let it be because we recognize the sparkle in each other, not because we’re trying to prove or earn our worth.