When Loving People is Hard

The last few weeks have been rough for my husband, Peter. It’s been one of those months where the hits just seem to keep coming and I have to brag on him and say that he has handled it all extremely well - much better than I would have given him credit for. (I apologize for being annoyingly vague & will share more soon when I can.)

Even amidst all the things, he was outside doing yard work on Saturday while I took the girls to a birthday party. When we got back, the girls wanted to play outside with daddy so I went inside to work out & have 30 minutes to myself. Because the weather was gorgeous, we had opened the house windows, which meant that even though I was upstairs and everyone else was outside, elevated voices could still be heard. As I was changing, I heard Peter’s voice & Marlee’s burst of tears and froze. What happened? What did she do? How is he going to handle this & how long before I need to intervene? I figured out from the word choices that she had scratched his car with a rock. Well crap. That’s not great. But wow, Peter really handled that like a champ. Super impressed. I finished changing and went down to tell him what a super great dad moment he’d had. But first I saw the car.

You guys. I had to go back inside. Because I laughed. Not in a “how cute & funny” way but more like a “Oh. Okay. Okay. Um. Wow. Okay. what else can you do?” kind of laugh.

Oh yeah. She wrote Dad on the hood with a rock & it’s as deep and as large as it looks. I asked her what happened and again, she burst into tears. Our sweet Marlee, at 5 and half, has had her share of sneakiness where curiosity has gotten the better of her more than it should have. Yes, scissors will cut your hair. yes, marker will write on the wall. Yes, Marker will write on the air vent. Yes, crayon will also write on the wall. Yes, scissors will cut your bedsheet. and your curtain. and your hair again. But you guys, this was not one of those times. And I believe that with everything in me because instead of waiting for us to happen upon it, she ran and grabbed her daddy by the hand and said “Daddy! Come look! Come see!” because, as she later explained to me, it would be “so awesome” for him.

My girl just wanted to do something awesome for her dad. She just wanted to love him and make him happy with an out-of-the-ordinary grand gesture. She didn’t know that it couldn't be erased or that her well intentioned plan could actually be harmful. She just wanted to do something cool for her daddy.

Sometimes loving people is hard because what we think will show our gratitude or affection doesn’t come across like we anticipate it will. We tend to show love the way we receive love but that’s often not how other people receive love. It’s that whole Love Languages thing. Peter & I have complete opposite love languages in that my top one is his lowest and vice versa. Knowing the people you love and knowing how they feel loved is helpful. (I’ll also give another plug for the enneagram here. Love Languages is great but it’s limited to 5 things. Knowing Peter’s enneagram number and how our personality types interact and respond to each other’s has been a game changer in knowing & interacting with each other.)

But still, we don't always get it right. We give gifts that aren’t as desirable as we thought. We say words that don’t land how we meant them to. We make grand gestures that we think will be amazing but find that they aren’t received nearly to the level that we’d hoped. Here’s what I tried to explain to Marlee: loving people can be hard. And it really is the thought behind it. We can’t control how other people receive our affection, we can only control whether or not we give it and to what degree.

As someone who has been going through a year long process of tearing down walls, working on building intimacy and relationships with others, I can not fault her for trying. Do we write on cars with rocks? Definitely not. Do I want to encourage her to keep trying? One hundred percent yes. When you try to love others & they don’t seem to grasp your affection, keep loving. When you make a grand gesture & it falls flat, keep loving. When you love & it isn’t reciprocated, keep loving.* If I can teach her anything about loving others it’s that it’s hard but it’s worth it. Sometimes loving others hurts & makes you cry, but it’s worth it.* Sometimes you don’t know what to say or do when you want to love others, but it’s worth it.

Because the opposite of trying is not trying, Which leads to shutting down for fear of rejection, pain or shame. It’s risky. I’m not at all trying to say that loving people is easy. Even those that we’re supposed to innately love. It’s not. Loving people can be so so hard. But putting up walls to keep out the pain of rejection also keeps out the joy, appreciation and love when others try to give it to you. You can’t electively choose which feelings you’ll let in and which you can block. It’s all or nothing.

Loving people is hard but it’s worth it and I believe God can even use our flubs. If you feel a nudge to approaching someone who’s alone and doesn’t appear to have anything in common with you, don’t hesitate because you’re unsure. Just say something. If it’s not the right something, it doesn't even matter. Because the fact that you tried will speak louder than your random words. If you know someone grieving or going through a trauma that you can’t relate to and you don’t know what to say or do to make it better, just say or do something. An awkward attempt at connection is going to be more loving than doing nothing for fear that it isn’t the right thing. If you’re in a relationship that’s hard but vital, not one you can just move on from, make a move. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Even if you’re the one who always tries. Even if you’re tired of being the one who does. Even if you feel like you’re trying to trick yourself into feeling something that you don’t or you feel fake for actively showing love that doesn’t match the level of your emotions, pick up the rock. (Don’t hit them with it!) And write the word. Maybe God is just waiting for your obedience - to start the conversation, dial the phone number - and once you’re ready and willing to love, He’ll give you the words that will be perfect for the moment or that person’s heart. Make the attempt. He can change your heart and help you love others if you want him to & give him permission to move. You don’t have to know how to love perfectly, just be willing to try.

and sometimes, despite our best intentions, people themselves are just hard to love. Some are obviously hard to love because they’re terrible garbage people. We see them on the news and hopefully not so much in our real lives. But we do encounter plenty of people we know who are incredibly hard to love. Some of them are rude and mean and make everyone feel less than. Others are selfish and narcissistic and find a way to make every detail of every situation about them. Some are cold and unavailable and deflect every kind gesture we throw their way. Others are fake and judgmental and pretend to receive our love while actually figuring out a way to use it against us. Ugh. People can be so hard.

So what does Jesus tell us? Keep it real. Keep trying. It’s worth it. Romans 12:9:

Love must be sincere. (NIV)
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. (NLT)
Love from the center of who you are. Don’t fake it. (MSG)
Love is to be sincere and active, the real thing - without guile and hypocrisy. (AMP)
Let the inner movement of your heart always be to love one another and never play the role of an actor wearing a mask. (TPT)

Make it real, whatever that means. That’s what you can control. Love others genuinely, not through any type of filter, limitation or “certain conditions apply” disclaimer. Try to love like Jesus which is genuine, all-encompassing and unconditional.

The day after Marlee’s love label, we went to my parents’ house for the first pool day of summer. It’s basically a national holiday for our family because it not only marks the beginning of summer but also the beginning of the season of the year where we all get to see each other the most. Kids are out of school, sports & activities slow down and we choose to spend most of our weekends together floating & splashing & talking in Gramma & Papa’s backyard. It was an afternoon that we all needed, kids and adults alike.

When it was time to go home, we approached my car from a direction that we hadn’t previously. I always get in from the left. That’s the side that faces the house. That’s the driver’s side. That’s the way I get in my car. But walking to my car from the right, from the front door of their house, we got a new perspective. And realized that it had happened twice.

yep. Mama got tagged, too. not as deeply as Peter’s and I didn’t get my own name but there it was - “POOL” - a sign of her excitement for the anticipation we were all feeling about summer. Plus the name of the culprit, I mean love-giver, herself on the door where her carseat sits.

If you’re gonna love, love deep and love hard so no one can question if you do. And if you feel like you aren’t receiving love, take a look from the other side. A perspective change might show that you are being loved, just in a different way than you expect it.

*There are toxic relationships that do actual damage. That is not what this post is referring to. If you need help setting boundaries with people in your life, please visit http://icutalks.com/community-resources/ for therapists & resources.

*If there is any question that you are being abused, please visit https://www.thehotline.org or call 1−800−799−7233.