critics: this is your exit.

It’s so easy to see the critics. Not only that, but they’re so clear they seem to make the supporters completely disintegrate into the background.

I remember the weekend when I felt God’s calling on my life. It was May 2018. I’d been officially on church staff for 4 months and was out of town on a weekend retreat with my coworkers. It was team bonding and leadership building and concentrated ministry discipleship at another church. I remember specific conversations and leaving that weekend different. Everything felt fresh and new. Everything seemed more vibrant and alive. It was like a flip switched and it just…changed.

I remember talking to my pastor, Naeem, about it, trying to explain what I was feeling, the realization I was having. It almost felt like an out of body experience, trying to process how what was in one moment was the same yet completely different in the blink of an eye. The word tension was so loud in my ears - the tension of not being in ministry one second then being immersed in it the next. Of being a trailblazer to follow but having no idea how to lead in this capacity. Being just a girl living her life to having every action, word and outfit choice suddenly up for scrutiny. Humility and confidence. Expression and expectation. Enthusiasm and ingenuity. Drive and flexibility. I felt torn between any and everything all at once. Nothing just was, everything was pulling me suddenly and it’s opposite was pulling just as swiftly in the other direction. I was swirling and while it was somehow peaceful, it was also still very overwhelming.

I could tell, though, he could see it. Naeem has walked through many season of life with me and he could see the transformation that I felt. He believed me and believed in me and he encouraged me to share my revelation with the rest of our staff when I felt comfortable. The next day we debriefed before making the drive back home and when my heart started racing, I knew I was supposed to share with my team. All of a sudden, what was so clear in my head and my heart was muddled in my mouth. My friends seemed to fade away and all I could see were the people who didn’t believe in me. It all but halted me completely. I couldn’t communicate clearly, couldn't express my heart, couldn't get the vision across. And it crushed me. I can still see the scene and hear myself stumbling through. I finally just stopped talking and sat there wondering what had happened. I felt so defeated.

Before pulling out of town, we stopped at Starbucks, like any good church staff would. I felt like I could cry for multiple reasons and wasn’t ready to leave, feeling like God had awoken so many things within me but not giving me any kind of answers…other than the fact that He was doing something in me. Scrolling my phone at the counter, I saw a post from Lisa Bevere, who was (at the time), the one I looked to as I tried to figure out how the heck to be a woman in this very male dominated role. She had posted a video for her book launch and while it had absolutely nothing to do with me at all, the line “The challenge of our day is to embrace the tension between both of these” leapt off the screen. All I saw was this word- tension - that I hadn’t been able to escape. All I heard was God saying “Do not let the critics sway you. Lisa is doing this and you will too.” Bless Pastor Mike who thought I was crazy and maybe a little bit of an emotional mess but who confirmed my adamant declaration of God speaking to me through that post. And my boy, Vinnie, who has been an encourager to me since day one, joining me in my extreme excitement over what was very likely a coincidence I was blowing out of proportion.

In trying to process, I journaled all my thoughts and felt God respond in my spirit:

“You have to live with the tension. accept the weightiness and magnitude of this calling while being humble. Be you and be extra but you are more than what you think you are. Learn to live with the weightiness. Live in the tension. Just like Jesus did - living in the tension of heaven and earth. He could do it. You can do it. This is the message: live in the tension. You are always enough. You are never too much.”

This was a conversation that I had with God (and my Pastor/boss) more than a few times. Once when I was in the middle of bouncing between extreme emotions, probably crying, definitely feeling inadequate, he said to me “Okay, then stop. Just live your life. Be the campus director, be someone who works on a church staff and don’t worry about all of this. Don't worry about changing. It’s okay. Just do the job you accepted and leave it at that.” Instead of a sense of freedom or feeling let off the hook, I was borderline offended. And that’s when I knew. It was more than a job. I was more than a church employee. I had answered a call on my life and it changed everything. Who I was mattered. What I did mattered. Because I wasn’t just designing systems and scheduling volunteers, I had their faith in my hands and I was shouldering the responsibility of their hearts. (I don’t mean to make that sound overly dramatic; clearly the salvation of people is not solely on me. But it’s a weightiness that I take seriously and hope I always feel because it’s the constant reminder that my life is about more than me.)

Critics are frequent but few. There are many people who have supported and encouraged me as I’ve leaned into my leadership, ministry or just finding myself as a person over the past few years. Many of my critics are no longer in my life yet somehow their faces, their words and their restrictions still scream loudly in my mind to the point that I begin to believe them, minimize myself and brush aside the magnitude of the things God is allowing me to do. It’s a defense mechanism to protect myself from being shut down unexpectedly. If I declare that something is not a big deal, you can’t come in and shrink it. I’ve done that for you in advance. If I act as though I’m not qualified, pointing out unnecessarily that I’m missing vital pieces of validation, you can’t disqualify me by reminding me of what's not there. I’ve already done it for you. If I treat things that make me emotional, proud, overwhelmed and excited as nonchalant, common things, you can’t tell me I’m being prideful or conceited or showy because I’ve already swallowed all of my celebration, my joy, my real feelings to pretend like I don’t really care in the name of (faux) humility.

This is no way to live. Trust me, I’ve tried it. And it’s exhausting. This is why authenticity has become such a big part of my “brand.” I have to show up real. Tenderhearted and true. As if God is right there and I am speaking, doing, choosing for him. Because He is. And I am. If I speak as though I’m fully accepted - like I’m speaking directly to Jesus - I give you permission to see me that way. I give you the option to just accept me as I stand here. I also give you permission to do the same and show up for your own life, blocking out the haters. They seem to be ever-present but we have to stop focusing on our critics and realize they are not our audience. Let them go and send their discouraging, hurtful comments with them. Do not give them rent free space in your head, heart or spirit. I can’t say that I never see them lurking anymore, but I’m learning to look over their heads and speak straight to the face of Jesus.

I’m encouraged by how supportive our current culture is of mental health, going to therapy and showing up even when we’re broken. Applauding the acknowledgement of pain and supporting people in dark places is fantastic. But the flip side of the coin is allowing people to celebrate when they are healthy, when they’ve come through the darkness, when they’re shining. If we are going to allow people to be vulnerable in their pain, we need to allow them to be authentic in their joy as well. This means we celebrate with them, cheer them on and be proud of their accomplishments, recognitions and honestly, just daily living into who they are. True support is allowing them to do so without jealousy, criticism or comparison. It’s getting out a mirror to magnify and reflect their light right back to them and out into the world instead of putting on shades as if we prefer them in the dark. We have the privilege of speaking prophetically to the people around us, looking through people to their God-given potential and cheering like they’ve medaled in the olympics when it’s actualized.

Major announcement coming soon. I’m more than excited and proud of myself. And I will be showing up here to tell you, without feeling the need to bring an air of humility with it this time.

Critics, this is your exit. ✌🏼