Hearing Voices

Do you know that I was a psych minor in college? I’ve always been interested in how people think, especially way out of the box sociopaths. What is their brain like? Why do they do what they do? The more I learn about mental health, the more I realize that mental functioning is a spectrum we’re all on. Crazy or sane, we’re all somewhere in between, quite possibly sliding from one end to the other.

The movie Sybil is the quintessential psychology movie because Sally Field plays someone with 16 different personalities. More recently, the trilogy of Unbreakable, Split and Glass play with similar storylines. As the movies goes on, you learn how each personality is really a coping mechanism gone to the extreme. The more psychotic the person is, the more intrigued I am. Maybe that says something about my own mental health, who knows?!

I can certainly relate to hearing voices. Besides my children who are constantly verbalizing anything from a cry to a song to a whine to a laugh, I also have voices of people I look up to, people I want to please rattling around in my head. I hear my parents, my critics. I hear myself, both the encouraging and the berating sides. I hear God and I hear the enemy of my soul. Some of the voices are easy to recognize. But others, they’re quite conniving.

Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say.
You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires.
He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.
When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
John 8:43-44

What was Jesus saying here? That we’re evil? Aren’t we supposed to children of God? Yes. We are. And His voice speaks to us if we have accepted adoption into his eternal family. But we were also born with innate opposition that wants to do what it wants to do. Don’t believe that? Watch a baby or a toddler for a few days. Their defiance is not learned, it comes from within. But that’s not where I want to focus today.

Did you see what he said about the devil’s voice? He speaks in his native language, the language of lies. You guys, this is an enemy of your soul who wants to destroy you. He is so cunning and smart. He won’t run in, guns a’blazing to make a scene. That’s too obvious. He doesn’t tell you things that are so far fetched you know not to believe them. Too easy. He aligns himself as close to the truth as possible and I believe his voice sounds very much like God’s. He is a master manipulator and the only way to get you to listen is to mimic the very voice you’re trying to hear.

Here’s how it’s been working for me lately: God tells me something then satan comes in to take it farther. Instead of discerning the change of tone, the twist of meaning or the shift in intention behind it, I follow what started as a nudging from God down the rabbit hole of lies from the one who sounds so similar.

I feel like I’ve missed an opportunity over the last 9 weeks. Yes, it’s a quarantine. Yes, it’s been weird for everyone. Yes, I’ve done new and different work than I’m used to and YES, for the love, my family has been around me 24/7, someone always needing me for something. Forgetting all that, as I clearly have, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve wasted this time in my life. A time unlike any other time that I will ever have again.

It’s not even so much that I should have accomplished something. That’s a voice I know well and can recognize. That’s my Enneagram 3, achiever status coming in strong to say that I could and should have always done more. That’s the voice reminding me that others of you are out there perfecting culinary masterpieces, crafting your creative skills or learning how to play a new instrument. That’s a voice I’ve learned to recognize and can put aside when necessary.

No, this is a new one. Sybil has a new personality. satan has slipped in and thrown his voice like a ventriloquist, redirecting my thoughts. How do you know the difference? It’s motive. I believe God speaks to me and reveals things to me to get my attention. But he is kind and gracious. He will say “Hey, Kristin, you haven’t spent much time with me. I miss you. Can you realign your priorities and protect some time for us?” When it turns to “Hey, Kristin, when’s the last time you set aside time to spend with me like you’re supposed to do? You should feel guilt about that. Your priorities are messed up because you care about other things more than you care about me.” it’s not the same. Can you see the difference? It’s slight. You have to be aware to notice it. But it’s there. And it’s unkind, shaming and heavy.

Still, the feeling remains. I’m still trying to narrow down exactly what God’s trying to tell me and I’m struggling to discern his voice. I have to get really still and quiet, focus my attention and just listen without trying to translate. Which, again - in quarantine - is not the simplest of tasks. It’s not always this difficult to know which voice is God’s but maybe that’s a sign that I’ve been listening too closely to other voices. To social Media. The news. Podcasts. My critics. (Y’all only have to whisper. I pick up your disdain loud and clear.) Maybe the reason I’m unable to hear Him is because I’ve let the other voices get so comfortable in my ears.

“he speaks his native language” I wonder what that is for you? I know what it is for me. It’s the voice that tells me I’m not enough, haven’t done enough, am not measuring up and am not deserving. Any message of unworthiness, rejection or being nothing special. That’s the liar’s native language for me. I know because I fall for it every. single. time. It hits too close to home for me to recognize it right away. The more we listen to what is behind the message, the easier it becomes to know who is speaking. If you feel bad about yourself, God might have started the conversation, but the enemy of your soul has interrupted the message.

I’m praying that God will help us hear Him clearly and to understand what He is saying without putting our own spin on it. We certainly don’t need help adding to His message. God, Strip the voices away until all we hear is yours.