Naked on Instagram Live

Almost 2 years ago, I spoke for the first time on a stage. I talked about women and how I’d never been a girl’s girl. I talked about my love-hate relationship with my magnifying mirror, but I’ve told you that before.

What I haven’t told you is that while I was talking about not hiding, I was hiding. While I was talking about not relying on a mask, I was wearing one. While I was explaining false humility and challenging everyone to go deeper, I was still sharing pretty close to the surface. It’s partly because people can be cruel. We have to guard ourselves and share selectively & i’m not suggesting that you start airing your deepest, darkest secrets in the streets. But while I was teaching on going deeper because I wanted it, I was afraid myself to try. I’d experienced cruel judgment in the past so peeling back layers was a slow process. And you better believe they weren’t layers of makeup.

My face was my confidence and there was no way I was going to give away any of that when I already felt more insecure than anyone would have guessed. I wanted to be vulnerable, to give other women permission and a safe space to share, but going first was harder than I’d imagined. I started to share more personally on social media but only when I had makeup on. Or with a filter. They’re cute & silly but they also gave me eyelashes & porcelain skin. I felt so naked without makeup on that I could hardly leave the house without it, just in case I ran into someone. I’d even tell myself “I’m only going to swipe on some mascara” but the next thing I knew, I had foundation and just a little bronzer, too. And if I was going to go that far, I might as well add a swipe of eyeliner & curl my hair. At least the front. I tried, but my identity was too wrapped up in what people were going to physically see. As long as I looked like I had it together, no one would know that I didn’t.

What I’ve learned over the past few years is this: God will move when we give him the space to do so. As I was trying to peel back layers & stop wearing all the metaphorical masks, I also invited God into my thoughts. I not only asked him questions of how to tear down walls, I dug in and did the work, which included sitting in silence and listening for the answers. He began to rearrange the places of my heart that I’d kept from him. That I’d kept from myself, I now know, thanks to therapy. I gave God permission to move in my thoughts, my securities, my sense of identity that I held in a white-knuckled grasp. Little by little, so carefully that I almost didn’t notice, He moved. He moved priorities around. He Moved my attitude and expectations. He moved fundamental thoughts and beliefs I’ve always had and shifted them in such a way that didn’t strip me of me, of who I am, but has allowed me to grow into a better version of myself.

My biggest fears were two-fold: rejection & losing myself and both are fears of identity. I was afraid of changing into someone I wasn’t. Of being slowly molded to fit into a box or a mold, of losing the things that made me special & unique & me. And I was afraid that - whether I did or didn't - I would be rejected for even trying to show the world who I really was. For revealing any flaw in the persona that, while entirely real, was also carefully curated.

Last night I did my first Instagram Live and I did it without any makeup on my skin. Minus one swipe of mascara, my face was naked. And I loved it. For some of you, a lack of makeup is not even worth mentioning. But for me, it was monumental. 2 years ago, I would have never dreamed of going Live for the world to see me without any layer of beautification. Of protection. It’s not even so much about my skin itself. Although I do have skin issues that I’ve been dealing with for years, this was more about taking the risk of opening myself up to being seen by whoever chose to tune in, knowing it was an open invitation for whatever they chose to see, believe or say about me. I was naked in a new variety of ways.

You know how you can be self-deprecating and make a joke about your own failure or flaw before anyone else notices so you beat them to the punchline of calling it out first? It’s like that. 2 years ago I would have been afraid to show you any imperfection, “knowing” that all you would see whenever you looked at me again were those problem areas, those spots, the ugliness. (And while I’m talking about the melasma on my skin, it’s very metaphorical for my inner identity too.) If it isn't makeup for you, it’s something. Your career? Your luxury possessions? Your witty attitude? Your comedic responses?

There’s a freedom in doing something you didn’t think you could otherwise do. Am I more confident in showing my naked face because of the time & money & product I’ve put into my skincare to lighten & brighten & reduce all the things? Absolutely. But the spots and the imperfections are still there. So freedom can’t come from just an improved appearance. This new face is on a new girl, who loves make-up and dress up and products galore but doesn’t need to rely on them solely for her identity anymore.

You know the verse about God giving you the desire of your heart? (Psalm 37: 4) Yes. But. What if it doesn’t mean that he just gives you what you want if you’re a good Christian? What if it means He changes your heart to desire different things when you ask him what His best is for you? When we ask God to fix our problems, and we give him room to do it, He will. It won’t change us and take away who we are In the deepest parts of our souls, but it will allow us to bring some of those things, some of those imperfections, forward. And the freedom of living that way is so refreshing.

What can you start shedding today? Take the steps of getting naked. On Instagram.