climbing out of the pit

So here’s the thing about this blog, guys. You’re coming along with me for the ride. In an effort to not just put my best face forward and only post when I have things figured out, I write in real time. Which means sometimes (like the last post) I’ll be in a mood. Doubting myself. Unsure of my calling. Not coming at you with all the positives and helpful tips.

If you’re with me for the long haul, or at least for a season, you’ll see all sides of me. All my moods. The full range of my emotions and thoughts. And HOPEFULLY, you’ll walk away with an overall sense of optimism, hope and belonging. The things I struggle with are not unique to me and the challenges you face are not unique to you. So let’s say them out loud and take away the power of the things that tell us we’re broken.

If you were in the pit with me last week, you might as well know what helped me climb back out. My life is bigger than just me and anything God teaches me I want to share with you. You know how Dolly Parton says “I have a strict policy that no one cries alone in my presence” in Steel Magnolias? Well, same. If you’re in the pit, I’m reaching down to you. Grab my hand and start climbing. No one stays alone if there’s anything I can do about it.

What brought me out of my unrest? My funk? Well, God. And you guys. Which I fully believe are one and the same when it comes to situations like this. Your texts, your comments on the post itself & on social media. The strong yet delicate way that you received where I was yet refused to let me stay there.

“I wanted to say it to you before but now I feel compelled to tell you,
the enemy is trying to confuse you and kindle fear and doubt.”

“I have to be honest, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I know you’ve expressed how it’s hard
because you haven’t gone through a “crisis of faith” but that doesn't mean life is easy for you.
I heard God more in that talk than I have in all of your others.”

“There were people in that room that needed your exact message and there will be people that need to know the turmoil behind the message. By being honest, you just expanded you audience in a genuine way.”

These are not things that are easy to say - to disagree with what someone is saying so graciously and delicately while still understanding the tension and confusion I was in. But God nudged you, you listened, and because of your obedience, I heard His voice calling down to me in the pit. Come on, somebody! Do you get that?! When we listen to the little nudges, the fleeting thoughts of “should I say something? should I text her? I wonder why this person randomly popped into mind” and we follow through to reach out in courage, we are delivering God’s message straight from His mouth to the ears that need to hear it. Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for not whispering the right thing to say but being courageous enough to call down to me what I needed to hear.

There was others who reached out, who didn't quite understand what I was getting at but still wanted to encourage me that they’d heard God through what I said that night. And here’s the second thing I realized: the words don’t actually matter. It doesn’t matter what I say on that stage. Because if you’re listening with a willing heart, God will make sure you hear only and whatever He intended for you. I said things in my talk that I never had in my notes and didn’t remember saying afterward. But those are the words that left my sweet friend in tears when she said “You looked right at me and said _____.” I didn't plan to. I don’t remember it. But God knew she needed that moment and He gave it to her, having nothing to do with me. What a gift. What a sweet God to gift us those such precious, personal moments. Remembering that I don’t have to have the perfect words helps me climb out of the pit of despair because it allows me to stop listening to the voices of inadequacy, perfection and failure.

Lastly, it’s what many of you reminded me of - even as I addressed it in my own narrative. (I’m noticing more and more that the things God gives me to speak into the microphone are just as much, if not more, for me than they are for the people under the sound of my voice.) We’re in a battle. This is a fight. And while I do believe that my unrest in the situation drew me closer to God and reminded me that my need is for Him, I also believe I fell - once again - for the enemy’s lies. I let him stop me from sharing. I let him stop me from sending the message out to others. I let him silence the words that God gave me to speak. And it’s time to remedy that.

My icuTalks talk is up on YouTube, it’s on IGTV on my Instagram and you can also access it from the videos page of this website. Will you think of someone who needs to hear it and share it with them? Will you ask God to bring to mind someone who is facing an unexpected change, someone who is trying to be who they used to be, someone who is afraid to change or someone who could use a smile on their face thanks to “ugly little rat lizard” theology? When you do, will you share the video with them? If you can’t think of anyone in particular, I’d love for you to just post it to your social media. You can share it from my Instagram or Facebook pages or straight from the YouTube link. I still don’t think this is my best talk. I still see room for speaking improvement when I watch it. But I also know that God had something to say and He chose me to say it so let’s spread His message as wide and loud as possible without me getting in the way.

I’m finally figuring out how to fight back just by climbing out. Thanks for being in my corner. There’s room for you here, too.