The enneagram. You love it, are tired of hearing about it or don’t even know how to pronounce it. It’s a personality test that has actually been around for a thousand years but people have recently rediscovered it again so it’s super hot right now. I’ve always loved a personality test, anything from knowing my strengths & giftings to what kind of cocktail I would be. But the enneagram is so much more than that. It’s actually got a lot to do with how our personalities have been formed based on coping mechanisms we picked up as kids. (STAY WITH ME. It doesn’t feel like therapy.) We learn who we are & what practices to keep in our arsenal in the midst of great love & great suffering. I mean, If that doesn’t describe childhood…
Besides learning more about myself, the enneagram has actually been a tool I’ve used in understanding other people. My coworkers, my sister, my husband, my volunteers. In relating to how others see the world, I can better understand where they’re coming from in a way I’ve never really mastered before. My husband isn’t acting insecure because he’s weak - it’s because he’s a 6, known as The Loyalist, and his deepest desire is for security. How’s that for a perspective shift?
I’m a 3 wing 2, which means that I’m a 3 who also has some two-ness in me. (Most people wing to one side or the other.) Structural Enneagram calls a 3w2 The Motivator. But before I get into that, let me say this:
There are all kinds of tests on the interwebs for you to figure out what your type is. But word to the wise, I mistyped twice, as I’ve heard many Christian women do. I took it and scored as a 2 twice and while there was some truth to the description, I must’ve known it wasn’t right because I kept looking for other test versions. The cool thing about the enneagram is that you can really just read about the 9 types and know which one you are. That’s how I finally figured out my true self. If you want some confirmation, dig into Richard Rohr’s work on the basic fear, desire, sin, temptation, etc of each type. Let ol’ Rich shine a light into your darkest places and it’ll be clear pretty quick.
It never really hit me at a core level or sunk in that my personality is as much a part of who I am as my eye color or my height. I always saw personality as something of our choosing, that we could change. And maybe should. Somehow, learning my personality type has given me a sense of freedom to accept it and just be all the things that I am instead of trying to be something “better” or “gentler” or more “expected.” Accepting my three-ness freed me to release all of the things I feel like I’m supposed to be.
So who am I as a 3w2? Structural Enneagram calls me the motivator. “Exceedingly likable & charming, 3w2s are naturally enthusiastic and they infect others with their optimism & drive.” Ok, yes, I will take it. Thank you, wrap it up & bring out the check.
But, like all good things, there’s more than ego boosting available if we’re willing to look below the surface. One hundred percent, the enneagram has given me confidence, permission & a peace to be who I innately am. But it also points to my challenges, my struggles & my inner demons. Here’s a few things I’ve learned:
I’m goal oriented & go after what I want.
But I have to be careful not to run people over. I get in work mode & tend to bang it out, especially when I’m trying to catch up on emails. But in my haste I can come across cold, angry or uncaring. I’m learning to take an extra 10 seconds to think about who’s on the other side of that email, what their day could be like & be unneccessarily gracious. Slowing my roll with a deep breath before I type & a few well placed emojis help.
I LOVE people.
But I’m not always a great friend. Because I love all the people, I want to be friends with & love everyone. Which means I’m always busy with social events & don’t make time for deeper relationships. Even worse, because I’m always surrounded by people who love me & people I genuinely love, I don’t realize that that life-giving time with people who know the real me is missing. I make people chase me down to spend time with me & not everyone is going to be that persistent, which can be a friendship killer.
I genuinely want people to be happy.
But it can come at the cost of my own happiness. I become a peacekeeper in an unhealthy way which secretly festers jealousy, disappointment & resentment. There’s not really anything peaceful about it when I look at it that way. This desire can even be showcased in a chameleon effect, showcasing whichever part of my personality I know will make the people around me, in the situation, happier.
My outlook is sunshine & optimism & light.
But it enables me to disregard anything hard, uncomfortable or negative. Including things within myself that need legit inspection for correction. I avoid negativity by pushing things down: my feelings, my shortcomings, my disappointments. Apparently “Move Forward” is not a value, per my therapist.
I am at home on the stage, in the spotlight, performing.
But it becomes too easy, playing a part. 3w2s spend a lot of time & energy on things that help us present well. Anything from protecting time in the gym to honing speaking skills & learning to perfect my relational intelligence. It’s all genuinely in the vein of self-improvement but it can also be a crutch for external validation, performing truly for the praise or accolades. Or performing out of a doubt that I can truly be loved for simply being who I am. Because if people really knew me, I might not be enough.
This last one is the one that really resonated the most in giving me freedom. It’s like everything I’ve ever wanted to do - to be something & do something bigger - is okay now. I’ve always felt like there was something inside of me. Something that God would use me to do. And it’d be greater than anything I knew, or even know now.
But the thing that always held me back was a deep sense of selfishness. How can I focus on myself when other people need me? (There’s some wing 2!) How can I choose things that are going to put all of the attention on me, especially as I’m growing and (still) learning how not to have to be the center of attention all the time? Can I really be trying to glorify God if I’m going after things that will make me known?
I want to strive for self-improvement and share with you as I learn and grow. Not to be bragalicious or prideful but to be relatable and honest. I want to live in bravery as I use my stories as a platform, not just about things I’ve come through on the other side but hard and real things that I’m still facing and learning.
I want to inspire people to go after their own things. I want to encourage you to dig within you to the desires you’re afraid to look at. To stretch and grow and change your world in a way that only God knows, but will show you as you take one step at a time toward obedience of discovering who it is he made you to be. Exactly what he created you to do.
Even as I venture into this I’m faced with a feeling of selfishness every single day. But somehow, learning that I’m actually a 3, that this is part of who I AM, allows me to let go of the guilt. I can release the voice telling me I’m selfish and accept that maybe there is something bigger inside of me and that it’s okay to go after it and find out what it is. Because just maybe God gave me this personality to be used in such a way. Just maybe he did make me to be a motivator.
Just maybe as I wrestle with my own self-image, status and achievements (not just publicly but in the smallest corners of my world), I can become an authentic model of someone that makes God proud and is worthy of the admiration of others.
