I have a love-hate relationship with my magnifying mirror. I love it because it shows me things I need to fix before someone else notices them. I hate it because those things are never good. A rogue eyebrow or nose hair?! Gross. But better for me to see them before anyone else. Lemme go ahead and clean everything up before you see my uneven skin tone, that zit, my imperfections. Yes, we all have them. But I don’t need you to call them out. How embarrassing is that?
I’ve gotten really good at covering up the things I don’t want you to see, or even see myself. YouTube is all the praise hands for free makeup tutorials. With some practice, anyone can master looking like Barbie instead of accidentally looking like a Bratz doll. (Why is eyeshadow blending so hard?!) Unfortunately, layering makeup too easily extends past the magnifying mirror and into my real life. The entire persona I portray.
God started showing me that being in relationship with Him is another way to magnify the imperfections I try to hide. My judgmental thoughts. My insincerity. My deliberate disobedience to the things He’s calling me to. When I let him, when I listen, He shows me these imperfections in my spirit. Not in a shameful or guilt inducing way but as a parent who wants his child to grow into her full potential, calling me into all that I can be.
I kinda got it and started letting God and a very minimal group of people call out things in me that I needed to, but didn't want to, see. It was more painful than waxing but left me feeling just as raw & exposed afterward. And I still did it in my secret place, fixing and covering things up those things that were called out in me in private, before anyone else could see them. Putting my best Christian foot forward and sharing only the acceptable things. Where I thought I was learning to be vulnerable, it was all at surface level. Saying the things that we’re already pretty good at “admitting” as women.
I haven’t washed my hair in days, this is straight dry shampoo.
My kids watch too much TV because I need a break after work.
I love Jesus, but he’s gonna have to plug his ears because I really appreciate how cuss words drive a point or a punchline home.
I had wine & smartpop for dinner because I can’t be bothered to cook when it’s just me.
The sharing of things that are easy to share? That’s false humility. It’s not openness. It’s self-protection. A way of sharing just enough that I appear vulnerable so you won’t ask me to go any deeper. A way of sharing something that everyone can relate to instead of risking to say the thing that may or may not hit home for you. That doesn’t guarantee the me too reaction. This is not actual soul surgery. When I really let God show me up close and personal who I am, He showed me that not only are there things within me I need to face but that I’m not alone. And even more so, there are women with the exact same struggles, sins, thoughts and guilt that I have, who are also desperately trying to cover them up and not let anyone know they exist. Romans 12:9 says
Love from the center of you who are. Don’t fake it.
Well dang, God. That sounds great. But what if I don’t like what’s at the center of who I am? What if I show people who I really am and they reject me? And He told me, “What if that thing that you don’t like about yourself, that thing inside you try so desperately to hide, what if that’s a gift I gave you? I made you in MY image. Every part of you, especially at the core of who you are. I made you like that. On purpose.”
When I allow God to essentially be my magnifying mirror, I see His reflection in mine. A daughter he created exactly as intended. Every part of me the unique person he designed me to be, which includes the messy, uncontainable, seemingly uncontrollable parts. Instead of covering up the things that aren’t shiny & perfect, I’m learning to display them to be used correctly. Instead of hating my sensitivity and wishing I didn’t let my emotions get caught up in everything, I need to flip the script. Seeing my sensitive side as a gift allows me to use it as God intended - to be compassionate & empathetic & love on the people He’s given me. Instead of trying to bury my rebellious side because it’s too aggressive, I need to let that part of me out and trust that God gave me that spirit for a reason. I need to slow down, pause my passion before I react and trust God to use even my inner badass (can I say badass?!) to set me on the path of revolutionizing something new with women in ministry.
When we share our real selves, we give other people permission to do the same. And that is worth all of the personal, vulnerable sharing I’m about to do in revealing all my junk on the interwebs. (Well, maybe not all all of it.)
It’s a lot easier to put concealer on my soul and be mostly real, only letting people see a glimpse of the ugly that’s hiding deep within me. But I’m also ready to move past surface level sharing and dig deep into knowing who people are. The only way to truly have relationships like that is to be known myself. Vulnerability is hard but pretending is exhausting. Let’s allow God to show us, to magnify even, the things we try to hide and trust Him to use them. Show us their beauty. Stop covering up & love from the center of who we are. Let’s pull forth the things deep down, call them good & refuse to pretend like it’s not who we are.
And if you feel like it, a little mascara never hurt the outside either.
