Turn Down for What?

2019. I wanted my word for the year to be moxie or gumption. Something cute and spunky and full of pizzaz. But God laughed, “Child, please. You are 112% made of spunk, why in the world would moxie be your focus?” While I shied away from one of those (incredibly cute) words, I shifted my focus only slightly, never actually landing on slow or time or one of the other words I felt God suggesting but wasn’t ready to adopt.

Look at my Top 9 (which yes, I chose myself). There was no time for slowing down, I turned up! 2019 was amazing. I did incredible new things, found out who I was and began to get a strong sense of what God created me for. Look at this.

1) I spoke (alone) on stage for the first time at icuTalks.
2) My campus turned ONE. (Don’t get mad at me, boss, I know it’s not my campus - it’s our campus, our church, our people - ultimately all God’s. But the love and responsibility and passion I have for it makes me feel like a proud mama and therefore, Metro is my baby for as long as God lets me have it.)
3) I started this website. That was my major dream for 2019 and it. happened.
4) I was interviewed for various podcast episodes and put some real vulnerable ish out there, sharing part of my story that I never thought would matter to anyone else.
5) I believed immeasurably more for my marriage and watched God work beyond what I could control or see.
6) I created a safe space for women to connect which became the world’s largest small group of yoga pants, snacks & authenticity that ever existed.
7) I PREACHED. twice. on stage. on Sunday mornings. I mean, what in the actual world.
8) I went to L.A. and remembered what it was like to just be Kristin (not mom, not wife, not leader, not employee) and come back refreshed instead of guilty for taking a break.
9) I ended the year with my family by my side, Jesus in the forefront and a desire for more in my soul.

2019 was a lot of me. But that’s what 2019 needed. That’s what I needed. Because I ended 2018 with a lot of guilt. Guilt for not being a good enough daughter, sister, wife or mom. Guilt for wanting anything for myself because it would mean taking time away from my family or my work. Guilt for anything that would put emphasis on me because it was selfish. I needed 2019 for me because I needed to recognize that all of those statements were lies. I needed to figure out who I am and what is true. Part of that is knowing what I’m good at, my giftings, the things that make me feel alive and the things that rejuvenate my soul. The only way to figure something out is to experiment, try things out and see what fits. While I’m not saying I have everything figured out, I now know my path and where I’m headed. I know what I’m good at and what skills God has given me so I can fully live them out in the confidence that He created me to use them and wants me to use them. I know my shortcomings and behavior patterns so I can recognize when I’m being unhealthy and need to take a step back. I had to take time away from my family and my work to find myself but now I can be a better daughter, sister, wife, mom and leader because I took the time to be brave, look inside myself and risk new things.

2020? I’m still going to pursue all of those things. I’ll still write. I’ll still speak. I’ll keep doing the things 2019 revealed to me. But now that I have direction, it’s time to slow down. (in a sense.) I’ve felt God telling me for months that, even as I’m just getting started in so many of these areas, my word for 2020 would be margin.

Surrender, rest, slow & margin are words that make me uncomfortable. I get antsy just thinking about being still or sitting in silence. Partly because I have stuff to do. Partly because I don’t want to face my own thoughts or emotions. Partly because I can keep on with my own plans if I don’t give God space to redirect me. But really, that’s what it comes down to. Surrendering. Trusting. Believing that God will give me the time & energy I need to do all that I want to do if I take time to rest and refuel and sit with Him first. In order to hear him - and I have to hear him because I want what God wants for my life more than what I want for my life - I have to turn everything else down. the work. the people. the music. the podcasts. Even the plans, to-do lists and ideas that are good. The things that are good will never be great until I learn to turn down the noise so I can hear His direction. His “Yes, keep going”s and his “No, not now”s. I understand the importance of sabbath, rest and pause. And as silly as it sounds, it will still take bravery & courage to pursue doing nothing.

I’m still driven. I’m still an achiever. I still made my goals for the year. There are personal ones and professional ones. Goals for the me I want to be, goals for the people and teams I get to lead and goals for prioritizing the right people. But the one I most need to focus on this year is the one that will determine the success of all of the others: margin. rest. leaving space mentally, taking better care of myself physically and allowing time to face what I tend to busy myself in order to push out emotionally. It’s like somehow I finally understand that stopping will allow me to go farther. That pausing to do nothing will allow me to do more. Do better. God gave me so many new opportunities in 2019, I don’t want to burn out before I see what He’s really capable of doing through me.

2020. I’m comin for ya.

in a minute.