Mary. The G.O.A.T.

Newly pregnant Mary is my favorite person in the entire Bible. Not Mary, the mother of Jesus. Not Mary, the most precious and holy. The opposite, in fact. Regular, innocent, preteen Mary who just found out that she was about to be impossibly pregnant. She is more real to me than anyone else in that book.

Forget for a moment that she’d be carrying the son of God. That the saving grace of the entire world would rest within her body. She was a real person. A kid. Who had hopes & dreams & things she intended to do with her life. She was engaged to Joseph, an older guy who came from the line of King David. No, David wasn’t ruling anymore, but I can only imagine how this marriage probably looked like an exit plan for her. A way out of her small town. A way out of being a nobody. A way out of the life she’d always been stuck in. The only life she’d known. This marriage was the offer of something better. especially in an age when her value as a woman wasn’t much higher than that of the cattle, land or other property.

We know the ending and that what God did with her life was far greater than anything she could have imagined but in that moment, she didn’t know the rest of the story. She didn’t know what we know now. Just that she was pregnant & her world was flipped upside down. She was engaged and her fiancé was not the father. There was no social media to send out a blast to the entire world, saying “Hey FYI, I’m still a virigin & this baby is the Lord’s.” Mary came from Nazareth, a tiny town of just a few hundred people. Where everyone knew each other. Where everyone knew everything that everyone did. Where word of her pregnancy and the stories about what “really” happened were probably flying around town before the angel Gabriel had even left her side. She had to face judgement everywhere she went for being unwed & pregnant. And beside the shame that was surely poured on her from the community, she had to carry the disappointment of Joseph, who wanted to call off their wedding & leave her quietly. There had to have been heated conversations about her truthfulness & whether or not he believed what she was saying. Surely there was disgrace from her parents; disappointment that she’d let them down & was now ruining the marriage they’d arranged for her in order to set her up for a life of being taken care of. To get her out of Nazareth. To make her life finally matter.

In Mary’s Song in Luke (verses 46-55), she is very willing to be used by God and I don’t doubt for a second that she did eventually get there. Her bravery & words of praise are to be admired and emulated. But I have to believe that she was a real person with real feelings that included real moments of doubt, confusion & fear. That she wasn’t immediately on board without any hesitation.

I feel for her in my soul every Christmas.

Breath of Heaven has always been one of my favorite songs because not only does it help me connect to the realness of Mary but it reminds me that I, today, am not alone. Advent, the weeks leading up to Christmas, is the season of waiting; we wait for Christmas Day just as the world waited for the arrival of their Savior. And this song reminds me that Mary was just a person in waiting like so many of us are. She was a regular girl who was surprised by the unplanned turn of events in her life who was waiting on an event that she could not control.

Who hasn’t been there? Waiting for restoration of a relationship that you’ve tried to repair because you don’t want to lose it completely. Waiting for the promise that God will bring you the desire of your heart. Waiting for the pain, the loss, the grief to subside and for joy or peace to come in its place. Waiting for an answer to a question, doubt or fear that has shown up unexpectedly that you can not seem to move on from. That you didn’t plan for but also can’t deny it’s existence.

Do you wonder as you watch my face
if a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am at the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong. Help me be. Help me.

It feels like the most real prayer anyone has ever prayed and it always leaves me in tears, feeling the weight of her words. Because I’ve been there. I’ve felt the doubt and the fear and the confusion of knowing if I’ve really heard God or if He’s made a mistake in choosing me.

I get that you saw my potential, Lord. I get that my heart is in the right place and I’m grateful and honored that you’d choose me. But now that you’re watching me, now that you’re seeing it all play out, are you sure you shouldn’t have picked someone else? You don’t regret your choice in putting me here, in this position? Because surely there is someone better, smarter & more capable of representing you and telling this story. But then, because God did know what He was doing in choosing Mary, in choosing you, in choosing me, her tone changes from “I can’t do this. I’m not good enough.” to “I trust you. Help me.” and even though it’s a weak yes, pleading for holy intervention, she still said yes. And I’m so extremely grateful that she did.

Mary wasn’t a prophet or a religious leader or anyone known for any importance. She was a regular person like me. She had fears and doubts like I do. But when God chose her, she was willing to trust Him. When she called out to Him in her seemingly darkest hours, He was there. He didn’t make a mistake in using her to tell the world’s greatest love story and in the end, that baby she came to think would be her beautiful son would save her life - and ours - in more ways than she could imagine.

Where are you feeling shame, inadequacy or doubt? Where does life feel impossible to understand or untangle? What disappointment are you facing that you thought was meant to be intended for your good? God is still there and He’s writing a bigger story. I refuse to believe that Mary went from disbelief to full commitment in one conversation. She had a nine month pregnancy with hormones and no medicine. You can’t tell me that her doubt didn’t spiral or her emotions didn't rollercoaster. Yet God didn’t leave her in her unbelief. He didn’t leave her when she felt all alone in the world. He didn't replace her with someone else who was more confident, intelligent, influential or righteous. Instead he used her to bring light into a very dark world.

All because God chose regular, nothing-special Mary & Mary trusted God with a yes through her fears.