It was a late start thanks to all of the rain we’ve had (on top of being locked down in our houses) but my parents have finally opened the pool. On opening day, we got there as dad was still finishing up the skimming. I grabbed the other skimmer while Peter put sunscreen on the girls. No sooner was the last bit of skin covered, it started: “Can we get in? Can we get in now? Is it ready Papa? Is it ready for us to get in?”

The girls have a hard time understanding readiness, especially because the pool looked ready. The cover was off, the vacuum was in, the sun was up & the sunscreen was on. Everything seemed set. They were ready to go. To try and occupy them for the next few minutes, I gave Marlee my phone & the job of documenting. She got a few shots of everyone working & of the pool itself. Then she posed Margot & did a mini-shoot with her My Little Pony. Then she took selfies. In snapchat. With the filters. It wasn’t what I asked her to do but whatever, it kept her busy.

I had to laugh and think, “isn’t that just like me?” I want to be used. I want to have purpose. I ask for jobs and tell God “Use me! Here I am!” He gives me tasks or direction and I might follow it for a minute, maybe even a month, but then I veer off, doing my own thing & end up wondering why I’m still waiting.

Sometimes it’s a more lucrative option. Maybe it has a bigger audience or higher platform. It’s easier to go after things that come naturally where success is a given. It could be recognition, ease of execution, a competency base that we already have or simply just because it sounds more fun. How often do we ask God for something then lament about being in the waiting because when He gave us an answer, it wasn’t the one we were looking for?

God still speaks to us like he did back in the day but we miss His answer because the space we leave is too narrow. When we ask God for His will, how often do we already have our own plan in mind and what we’re really asking for is just confirmation of what we want it to be? There’s definitely something to be said for moving. Taking a step in faith and just going for it. But if it doesn’t work, if that unsettled feeling for more is still out there, could it be that you’ve missed your part in God’s plan because you’re too busy trying to play someone else’s? How often do we miss His voice in the subtle nudging because we’re too busy looking for a pillar of smoke or burning bush? How often do we miss the small signs because we’re looking for a billboard? How often do we feel stuck in the waiting when it’s actually God who is waiting on us to turn around and do the job He already gave us?

This is as far as I’d gotten. Those were all the words I had written on this post. Then George Floyd was killed and the world seemed to change. Reading it back again today, it still feels relevant and true, but different.

As a white person, I don’t know what it’s like to be anything else. I can’t empathize with my friends of color because I truly can’t understand their perspectives. The beautiful thing is, I don’t have to understand to be involved. THIS is my part of the story. This is the job and the role God has given me to play. With this skin tone, this life, this community, these stories, these experiences and these opportunities. This life. The question is still the same. Will I ask to be used with empty words? Will I say well-meaning things like “I love my black friends. I’m here for you. I’m not a racist.,” maybe post a few things on social media and then quietly sit back and do nothing? Or will I listen for God’s answer when He gives me a job, whatever it is?

The seemingly small job is still needed. Don’t think you’re not necessary because you or your family hasn’t been personally effected. Don’t sit in the waiting because you’re looking for something else, something easier or something bigger. Are you feeling a nudge but ignoring it because it’s not loud and clear? Are you feeling compelled to do something but not taking action because it’s not the task you’re looking for?

If you don’t know what to do, check in with a friend of color. If you don't have any friends of color you are close enough to for that to be an acceptable conversation, recognize it and work toward widening your social circles. Even if you do have people of color in your inner circle, remember that educating you is not their job. It is your job to educate yourself so you can then join in the conversation. If you got cancer, you wouldn’t ask your friends what do to about it. You would pay money for someone to teach you what it is, how to recognize the symptoms and how to treat it. There are teachers and educators out there who have done the work and are willing to teach you what racism is, how to recognize the symptoms and how to treat it. Invest in yourself by paying them the money. Brownicity is a great place to start. Educate yourself by reading books like White Fragility or Be the Bridge. Expand your Instagram following to include people of color then do more than like their posts. Read their words. Hear their stories. Try to understand their perspectives. Grieve and process and share in their pain but don’t make it about you. Recognize that your experiences matter but they don’t equate understanding. Hold on to hope that things will be better and be a place people of color can land when they need it. Don’t slap on naive, unaware, blind positivity that’s disconnected from what’s going on but root yourself in true hope, knowing that love is always present. Despair and hopelessness will never have the final say if we choose to make the voice of hope louder.

Don’t let fear stop you. Don’t be like Marlee at the pool, appearing busy doing all of the right things while really just waiting around for what you actually want to do. If you truly want to be part of changing the narrative, if you truly want to help make things better, ask God for your job and then do what He says. It might be as small as taking an honest look at your biases, which we all have, and recognizing that they’re there. Don’t let fear stop you. If you’re uncomfortable, it’s a sign that you’re headed in the right direction. Out of safety, into love. Reach out. Say something. Start somewhere and do it with humility. We all have blindspots and biases that we won’t recognize on our own. Find people you trust to speak into your life then be willing to listen when they say “Hey, I know you had good intentions here but that isn’t actually helpful and here’s why…” It will be challenging, as it always is when we work to better ourselves. There’s a risk of failure in trying but there’s also grace to catch you if you fall. And that grace comes from a love that says “It’s okay. That was a good start. Let’s try again,”

And again, and again, and again until we see change. It will take all of us, doing our jobs. Ask God for yours. I’m confident you have one.