I’m girly. But I’m not a girls girl. And there’s a big difference in those. If I’m being honest, women are not my people. My life has shown me over and again that women are mean and cruel and hurtful. They only get close so can they find out who I am and judge me for it. They take one look at me and make assumptions. My appearance, my personality, it’s all here for snap judgements and it’s all been used against me.

In high school, my own cheerleading squad was vicious. Writing things about me in classrooms. Talking about me behind my back while simultaneously acting like I didn’t exist in my presence. Physically dropping me during routines to the point that my coach had to move me from flying (the girl in the air) to basing (the girl holding everyone else up). My major offense was moving to their state, joining their high school and making it through cheerleading try-outs.

After a solid year of taking the bullying, a few of the senior girls finally befriended me and took me under their wing. I started getting invited to parties after games and being invited to do things with them on the weekends. I could breathe because in a high school with roughly a thousand people per grade level, someone had finally seen enough worth in me to be my friend. I met one of the seniors’ guy friends and went on a few dates with him. He invited me to Homecoming and I slowly started calling him my boyfriend. The week before Homecoming started, I learned the truth. It had all been a joke like in some terrible teenage movie from the 90s. They pulled me in to see behind the curtain and learn things about me that they couldn’t know while keeping me at arm’s length. They needed personal things to use against me. To humiliate me for no other reason than because they could.

This is only one example of my experience with women. It continued in college, in my 20s and sadly, even into my 30s. There have been seasons of life that I swear mean girls and drama sought me out and were drawn to me like a magnet. Was I 100% innocent in every situation? Of course not. But I tell you this to say, I’ve got plenty of reasons not to be a girls girl. Guys are easier. They aren’t snarky. They don’t have a hidden agenda. They don’t decide they don’t like me before I even speak because of my outfit or my hair. They don’t get intimidated by my big personality or loud laugh. So those are the people I’ve gravitated toward. I don’t ignore women and I’m perfectly happy to have basic relationships with anyone who’s willing to engage me in one, but I don’t seek out girlfriends either.

About a year ago I took a job on staff with my church and realized that I hadn’t just said yes to a career choice. God was calling me into ministry. As director of a new church campus, I welcomed people in, cared for them and helped them get connected in other relationships. Obviously, women were part of this group. They attended my campus, served on our volunteer teams and became part of the family. I was genuinely thrilled with everyone God was bringing me to shepherd.

But then he said he was taking me to the next level. And the people he was calling me to were women. Go home, God, you’re drunk. That is not happening. (God and I have this kind of relationship where I sarcastically talk to him exactly like I would talk to anyone else. I’m pretty sure he’s fine with it. I haven’t been struck by lightning yet.)

But God said women.
And I said no.
And God said women.
And I said no.
And God said women.
And I said “STOP SAYING THAT. FOR THE LOVE. NO.”

Yet here I am. Writing a blog for women. With a heart for women. Wanting God to use me to speak to women.

What in the actual world, God? I am telling you now, if he can change my heart in this, he can legit do anything.

maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe I’m not the only one who doesn't trust easily and needs women to come forward with their hands upturned so I know they aren’t concealing anything to bring me harm. Maybe I’m not the only one who desires to have girlfriends but still finds it easier to talk to guys in new social situations. Maybe I’m not the only one who is confident in every area of life except when it comes to women who are prettier, thinner, smarter, cooler, more perfect or more put together. When I forget who I am and turn all of my attention into who I should be so they’ll love and accept me because everything within me is screaming that they won’t. So my choices are to not try and push them away or try too hard by striving, performing, pleasing and perfecting.

That is a tiring life to live and I want to change the narrative.

Accept me or not, I need to find my worth and my value in who God made me to be and remember that as his daughter, I can not be loved any more or any less based on anything that I do or don’t do. How much makeup I wear, how much I weigh, if I bite my tongue or have the best snarky comeback, if I have a circle of girlfriends or feel like they all reject me, God says I have value and none of that, or anything else, can add or take away from it.

God is trusting me with the women in my life. To hold their precious hearts and heal hurts from other women who have been unkind. It’s scary because I know that it will eventually lead to me being hurt again. That’s the risk that comes with loving broken people. But God said women and I’m saying okay.

there are real women who need to hear from God in a new way. If the people group I’ve run from actually needs my authenticity, humor & exact perspective to reach the previously unreachable, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. For you.